The lord of the Mall
by RamenKitty
Summary: Second Chapter now uploaded! the two floors! more chaos and mayhem and expect cameos from favorite fantasy & anime characters!
1. Default Chapter

Hello! This is my first LotR fanfic that I've posted (I've written tons, but they're all really bad, trust me ^_^) and I just found it humorous.  Now normally, I have a policy about writing fanfic about series like Lord of the Rings, but hey, I'll give it my best shot.  I've seen the movie, and read all of the books (all of them, including what little I understood from " The simarillion" and " The book of lost tales") so here we go! 

Lord of the Rings and all of the other titles, rights, names, and privileges are copyrighted to a bunch of extremely rich lucky people who deserve every penny that they make because the movie and the books were just so gosh darn cool! You rock peoples!  So it's a little late, but sue me later okay?  

And now, let us look at what the lord of the rings characters are put through during the time of Christmas shopping.  Behold the power, and remember to fear the almighty…

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LORD OF THE MALL 

Book one: Fellowship of The parking lot. 

" And dare we, the fellowship of nine brave the untold terrors of…" Aragorn stopped Legolas, just as his burger king drink nearly toppled from a being standing up in a moving vehicle 

Frodo turned back to his compatriots from his seat in the mini-van they had rented for the occasion, " Think we could keep it down sires? The mall parking lot is just ahead and I want to get a good space!" Frodo sighed and turned his mind back to the road as the company began to argue again.  It had been a bad idea, he decided, to suggest that all members of the fellowship go and do their Christmas shopping together.  Especially since humans of this world were extremely excited to learn that they, the famous members of J.R.R. Tolkien's works, would be visiting. 

" Frodo!" Frodo turned to see Sam trying to push his way up to the front through the crowded back seats, " Frodo, are you sure about this? I mean, I made a promise to Gandalf- "

" That you weren't going to let me get lost in the middle of the mall, please!" Frodo turned into the last exit, the large grouped buildings coming into view.  The parking lot was full, and filled with Christmas shoppers and people dragging shopping bags and large groups of children around, " It's not like we're traveling to Moria Sam, and I think we can handle a few-" 

They were interrupted by a loud squeal as another large mini-van piled high with gifts, children, and several adults rolled in front of them.

            " They dared to cut us off!" Gimli rose out of the seat, his deep voice echoing off the cavernous ceiling, " They shall learn to fear the wrath of the dwarves! Especially after-" Gimli said no more as Frodo waved them on and Aragorn stopped Gimli from pulling out his axe kept safely in the back seat. 

            " This is indeed proving to be perilous," Aragorn murmured in the passenger seat beside Frodo, " Are you sure of this? The people here are fierce and wild.  I feel as though we are walking into peril." 

Aragorn's fears were confirmed as a thin white sports car dove past them.  The driver yelled something obscene as Mary and Pippin who had been hiding in the far back poked their heads out. 

            " Who on earth was that?" Boromir cried, as Frodo began to circle.  Pippin in his seat next to Boromir pulled his head in with a confused expression on his face.

            " I think," he said slowly and calmly, much to the companies' amazement, " That it was Eowyn and Arwen, and probably Radagast as well."  There was a collective silence, while Aragorn mused, Legolas pondered, Gimli grumbled, and each considered as Frodo banged his head against the wheel.  

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Arwen turned back, " Who do you think that was?" she asked calmly, as Eowyn and Radagast stared at her openmouthed.  It wasn't the fact that she had been brave in defending their right to get to a parking space in this confusion; it was simply that she had been so totally obscene… 

            " I think that was the boys," Eowyn muttered, thinking about Aragorn, " Eomer refused to go shopping for something for me just yet.  If he waits until just before Christmas he'll be hearing from the warrior maiden from Rohan-" 

            " I said the same for Aragorn, much as I love the guy." Arwen muttered, " I've got something in mind for him that I _know _he'll like, but if he skimps on me the first year we can actually get to a decent mall…"

Both women let the threats hang in the air as Radagast attempted to make himself unnoticeable in Arwen's snow-white interior. 

            " So, Radagast…" Eowyn let Arwen search for a parking space as she turned to talk to the very noticeable brown wizard, " Whom are you shopping for? How come you didn't go with Gandalf?" 

            " I dunno." Radagast sat up and blinked his green eyes, " I think I might get something for Gwahir, and maybe for the little Raccoons that live near my house…" 

            " Well." Arwen said, joining in, " I know this mall has a pet store, with a pretty decent selection.  You might be able to find something there…" because Arwen was an elf, and elves could do no wrong, she had managed to procure a wonderful parking space close to the entrance, and beneath the shade of a lovely elm near the movie theater.  Frodo's green van pashed as Arwen smirked at the fellowship, still in search for the perpetually lost parking space. 

            " Sometimes," Arwen said with all of the queenly dignity that she, a three-hundred-year-old elf, could muster, "I love being me." Eowyn giggled, and Radagast sighed as the three of them headed toward the entrance amidst the crowds of the holiday season. 

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            " Well, trust an elf to find a parking space first, and in the nicest of places." Frodo said quietly to himself.  Aragorn was brooding, deep in thought as his eyes followed Arwen's party in.  The crowd was getting thicker, and the parking lot out to the farthest reaches was slowly filling. 

            " If this goes on much longer," Pippin muttered, " I'll become a wraith!" Aragorn didn't even bother to correct him as a black mini-van driven by a hooded figure appeared at the entrance to the parking lot.  Frodo paused, and the entire company made ready to battle as the van came closer.  Without even realizing it, Frodo slowly began to lower the window-

            " No!" Aragorn cried, " Don't let them-" he was too late however, as the second window of the black van rolled down.  Frodo looked into the eyes of the pale king and his followers and fellow kings, living in the shadow world… 

            " Ring-bearer, you will give us…you will give us…" the voice was dark, terrible and sinister.  Frodo seemed to be drawn towards them as Aragorn began to unsheathe his sword…

            " Knock it off will ya bob?" the second ring wraith spoke.  Much to the surprise of the fellowship he had a slightly New York accent, " It's going to be bad as it is, and I don't want to spend an eternity here waiting for a parking space!" the second wraith turned to Frodo, " Look, it's the holidays, we don't want trouble, you don't want trouble…"

            " Then what are you chasing us for?" Legolas was the calmest of the passengers of the car, for he existed on the blessed plain, as well as earth, " What do you want? "

            " Parking space! We just got here and the lot is full!" 

If the company had been anime characters, they would have sweat dropped, instead the hobbits began to shake with silent laughter and Frodo and Aragorn explained the situation. 

            " Aw, well.  We'll keep looking." The second wraith would have smiled if he had a mouth, " Happy Holidays fellowship.  We'll keep up this little fight we're having after the mall trip, cool?" 

            Frodo dumbly nodded as the green van drove off in one direction, the black one in another.  Bob the wraith turned to the pale king, who was shaking his head. 

            " What? You mad that we didn't kill them, or demand the halfling's ring?" 

The pale king shook his head.

            " No, I'm just wondering where in middle earth a _hobbit _of all creatures got a drivers license!" Bob laughed quietly as their van with the license plate reading " Naz-gul" drove off toward the boonies. 

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Meanwhile, the wise were having the worst luck of all. 

            " THERE!" Gandalf said, tearing off the piece of paper with his insurance information on it and handing it to the black haired teenager, " And once again, may I apologize for the inconvience of having my…" Gandalf glanced back to where Bilbo and Eomer where trying to make themselves small in the back. 

            " Not a problem man." The teen climbed back into his truck while his girl friend was staring pointedly at Eomer, " Get the little dude some driving school though okay?" the teen gunned the engine as loud music roared from the windows. 

            " That was close." Eomer murmured as Gandalf got back into the drivers seat, " Boy, its sure a good thing that kids here are so forgiving-" 

            " Not quite forgiving." Bilbo muttered, " You should have heard what he yelled at me, I mean really the things that kids these days will say-" 

            " This is a different world," Gandalf said as he pulled into a space in front of a department store.  His silver Toyota had two very sharp visible dents in it, " and a different time.  And for your share of the damages Bilbo, I think that we shall have to work something out with some of your left over gold from Smaug's hoard yes?" 

Bilbo groaned and wondered how his heir was doing. 

----------------------------

Frodo was in luck.

             He believed with absolute and total certainty that what was before him was a parking space.  The fellowship were cheering him on, he was in the zone, he was going for it- 

            He parked with the success of a veteran driver.  Aragorn and Boromir clapped him on the back, while Legolas and Gimli hugged, then pulled apart remembering who they were. 

            " Well done master Frodo!" Sam was jumping up and down along with Merry and Pippin as the company began to unload their things, " The ordeal is over! The nightmare is over! We are at last in the promised zone." 

            " Do you think I'll need this?" Legolas was holding up his bow while Aragorn was firmly strapping Andruil onto his belt. 

            " With these holiday crowds?" Gimli clipped his axe behind his back, " Dwarves always go prepared, especially into places like these."  He shuddered as his eyes fell on the sign saying " Westernesse Mall" with a big glowing smiling sun, not at all threatening, appeared. 

            " I've heard that this place is three times larger then Moria, and ten times as dangerous!" Pippin said, as he grabbed his wallet, " Best be careful Frodo, who knows what other perils might lay beyond those doors?" the doors were covered with snow and sales stickers, along with pictures of models and cute little snowmen. 

            " We shall be the fellowship of the mall, for this time." Aragorn said, his face going all kingly and leader-like, " and we shall brave the perils of this place for this time." They all looked towards the doors and realized their adventure was only beginning…

The Lord of the Mall, the fellowship of the parking lot begins the saga of the Lord of the Rings characters Christmas shopping.  The tale is continued in the second two chapters: The Two floors, and the return of the sales clerk.  

            LotR is owned and copyrighted several different people, no offense was meant to them or to the characters, please read and review so I know if I should continue it or not! Thanks!


	2. The two floors

Okay! So here I continue the saga of " The Lord of the Mall" with " The two floors." Now this one will be longer, since it will have more in it, and continuing the three threads that I started in book one of " Lord of the mall." 

            Now, I actually found out that lord of the rings is copyrighted to! Go Tolkien's Enterprises! You guys rock and you own all the characters from lord of the rings! But the other characters from different animes are copyrighted said animes.  This is sort of a mall of worlds, an odd nexus where different characters meet to do their shopping! Don't be surprised if you see someone that you recognize! 

            And now, let us continue, but let's take a look at where our favorite characters are in this wild world…

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The fellowship: Frodo and his hobbit buddies, along with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli the dwarf have just entered the mall. 

Arwen and Co: Arwen the elf and Eowyn the warrior maid of Rohan, along with Radagast the brown, have already entered the mall and have spent the most time there. 

The wise: The wise, made of Eomer, Gandalf, and Bilbo have just sorted out a car accident caused by Bilbo.  They are just now going into the mall. 

The black riders: still out in the boonies looking for a parking space. (As far as we know…)

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And now dear readers, bow to the power of…

THE LORD OF THE MALL 

Book two: The two floors. 

Arwen never thought she would have to apologize for a member of the select cast of the wise, never in all her years…

And yet…here she was.

            " Once again officer…" the woman had large blue eyes and the crisp, extremely starched outfit of an anime police officer turned mall cop, " Officer Jenny, I am so extremely sorry that my dear friend Radagast had to go and free all the animals in the pet store-" 

            As the pen of the police officer scratched on the pad, she could still here Radagast chanting amidst the screaming as the rats began to escape out into the wide mall…

            " You know," Eowyn said laughing, as Radagast was pulled away by two women who looked exactly like the one that was writing them up, " It was almost sort of poetic…" Eowyn had been trying to stifle her laughter as Arwen had to calm down several men and women near the scene, especially when the poisonous snakes got loose….

            " In what way?" Arwen took the ticket and stuffed it into a pouch; she had dressed sensibly, wearing an elevish green outfit.  She looked, she realized, like her brothers. 

            " Oh, I dunno, I mean just seeing Radagast, a member of the wise covered with parakeet droppings-" she stopped short when she saw who was making their way towards them.  

            " What's the-" Arwen turned and began to laugh.  Officer Jenny made no motion to look behind her as she walked rather stiffly away to chat with a small yellow creature that had brown stripes all over its back.

            The entire fellowship, Legolas included was making its way into the mall with each weapon drawn.  Arwen smiled, staring at her love and how brave he looked…

Although he was _completely _out of his element

            " I think we should get out of sight."  Radagast (through the miracle of poetic license) had rid himself of the parakeet droppings, " You ladies did say that you wanted this to be a secret trip…" 

            Arwen felt herself nod, ducking into the nearest store.  Eowyn followed, doing a trademark warrior of Rohan dive and roll.  Radagast, avoiding all flashy gibes, simply walked in.  Arwen had not looked up, but she noticed, to her terror that he was beat red. 

            " Oh HO HO HO HO HO!" a very large breasted woman laughed, " Welcome to victory secret weary travelers! How may I help you?" she had long purple hair, and modesty and the mall dress code prevented Mistress Naga the serpent from dressing in her usual fashion. 

            It took both Arwen and Eowyn a moment to realize that the walls were covered with underwear and lingerie, pictures of women wearing said undergarments, and women _trying out_ said undergarments.

Radagast had gone from brown to red. 

            " Uh, gosh…" Eowyn searched for something to say, " You certainly have a lot of…underwear…here…yeah." 

            " Thank you! We at Victoria secret PRIDE ourselves on our selection." The woman known as Mistress Naga bowed very low. 

Radagast fell over. 

            Arwen sighed and went to assist the poor man.  It was going to be a very long day.  She looked out waiting for the company to pass.  The _last _thing she wanted Aragorn to see was she in a place like THIS. 

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" Where are we?" 

" I have no idea" 

" Oh." 

            The fellowship of the Ring, the people who had braved the mighty dangers of Moria as well as the Riders of evil itself stood before their greatest challenge…

" Look!" Pippin cried, " It says…" he pointed to the very large map, " You are here." 

            Legolas groaned.  Several women were looking at him and he felt UN at ease out in the open, " I thought hobbits were the best with maps in all of middle earth!" his bow was still taught in his hand as Aragorn spoke up. 

            " I think it is best," he said slowly, " That we have a plan of action.  This place looks to be large and dangerous…and even I am out of my league here-" 

            " No," Legolas muttered, even the elf was getting mad, " No, the great king of the west is out of his element?" his voice took on a sarcastic tone, " Oh whatever shall we do, oh, I'm so scared- " he didn't necessarily mean to be sarcastic, however when in true peril…

By way of response Aragorn drew his sword, and Legolas his bow. 

            " Look!" a small black haired boy cried, " Play actors!" a large crowd of both human and animal gathered around them as Aragorn turned a bright shade of red.  Legolas nodded silently and put away his bow. 

            " Aww! I thought they were going to put on a show for the new Lord of the Rings movie!" the crowd dispersed, and Legolas looked toward the great king.

" So,"

" So…"

" Sorry?"

" Yeah." 

And the two clasped each other around the shoulders like brothers. 

            " And they say that we mortal men never talk." Boromir muttered, suddenly, his eyes were drawn away from the two friends to the map, and the hobbits standing under it.  He read the store list in his mind, trying to figure out what to get for the girl he secretly liked.  The list was as follows: 

FIRST FLOOR: 

The wired: Café and computer warehouse

Rider outfitters 

Rings and things

Shampoo's bed and bath and beyond the sacred spring

The dragon's lair

Alien technologies

Babbling bookstore

Magic n' owls 

SECOND FLOOR: 

Fruitcake factory

The equestrian outlet

Before accessories

Sweets and dentist supplies

BAR (Big Ass Robots) Factory outlet

Warehouse rejects

So you live beneath the earth

Discover the core

Victoria Secret 

THIRD FLOOR: 

Sauron's darkness and gothic emporium

Wizards of the order 

Big knives, big guns

Plant paradise

Pokemon retailers

The golden tree

Card captor Cuteness!

FOURTH FLOOR: 

Store offices

Food court.

            " Damn." Boromir muttered, " I think the company shall have to divide." The miracle of this statement was that he was the one who said it.  Frodo turned to look at the big man.

            " Is this because you're about to steal the ring? Am I going to have to get all the way back in the car and go to-"? 

            " Give it a rest will you Frodo?" Mary muttered, Pippin was already writing down stores on a piece of paper, " This isn't middle earth, and there are queer folk about-" 

Aragorn looked at Mary.

            " Oops," Mary said nervously, " That's you're line isn't it…" 

" Alright." Aragorn murmured, " Legolas, Gimli, and I will tackle the second floor.  Frodo, you and Sam tackle the third-"

            " But, surely Mr. Aragorn, we…we can't! Its…its too far off the ground!" Sam had spoken, and once again, if everyone in the fellowship had been an anime character, they would have sweat dropped. 

" If you, Samwise Gamgee, are brave enough to climb into a Mini-van-" Legolas cut off the heir of Gondor with a touch of his hand and pointed. 

            All eyes were drawn toward a small stand in the center of the mall; it was plainly colored enough, with a great big sign that said CELL PHONES.  

            " HIWOULDYOULIKETOBUYACELLPHONE? AREYOU18OROVER, ICOULDGETYOUANICE-"

" Run!" Legolas yelled as the company broke apart, scattering in all directions.   Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas dove for an up escalator, while Boromir went for the stairs.  Frodo and Sam went one way, looking for another set of stairs, and Merry and pippin went off down on the first floor. 

The fellowship of the parking lot had officially broken. 

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" How much?" 

            Gandalf, twice the bargainer that he was Wizard, held up an emerald green cloak that he had found in Magic n' owls.  It was perfect for Frodo, and he had no doubt that it would have other properties. 

            " 15 galleons and two sickles please." The sales clerk was a young black haired boy with an odd scar on his forehead and a snowy owl on his shoulder, " And may I say sir, Professor Dumbledore is looking forward to your next visit to Hogwarts-" 

            " That he may be young Harry." Gandalf pulled some all purpose currency from his pouch, " We wizards have to stick together against-"

A large explosion interrupted them as the two other proprietors, Ron and Hermione went running.

            Eomer and Bilbo stood in the center of the jokes aisle, the hobbit had burst into yellow feather and looked like he had turned into a large, very plump canary.  Eomer was covered in scorch marks from the Filibuster fireworks. 

            " No trying the merchandise!" Harry yelled, as Ron and Hermione raised their wands threateningly, Ron's promptly exploded, but Hermione was still looking at them with a steely glare. 

" PERCIFICUS TOTALUS!" 

            A moment later, Gandalf, twice the friend-who-always-pulls-the-needy-out-of-scrapes that he was Wizard, was carrying Bilbo the canary out of the store under his arm.  

            " Well-" Eomer coughed, " That was fun." 

" Hobbits really are amazing." Gandalf muttered, not at all friendly, " We shall have a talk when we get home Bilbo."  Gandalf murmured, " In the meantime…" his voice trailed off as he spotted Rider outfitters, " I think its time we shopped a little for our dear friend Aragorn and perhaps Mr. Eomer-" his voice carried an edge, " For you sister too?"  Eomer nodded slightly as the two of them headed in. 

------------------------------------------

" Where are we?" 

" I don't know." 

" This place is worse then Moria." 

" Hey! You can't say that-" 

            " Quiet" Legolas murmured to his companions, " _I _know where we are." He continued quietly walking along the tile, his ears perked, eyes at the ready as though he were hunted.

            " How?" Aragorn, despite his own skills, was always in awe of how elves did it, " How on earth do you know?" his eyes were wary and alert.  Andruil was drawn at the ready.  Gimli looked a little miffed. 

            Legolas simply pointed to the sign that read, " Second floor." 

There was a moment of silence. 

            " HEY!" Gimli's miffed look lifted, " Beneath the earth! They wanted to put one of those down in Dain's kingdom!" and like a child with a candy or comic store in sight he ran off, and returned, but a second later, with several large bulky bags under his arms. 

            " I hope you didn't shop for ME in there." Legolas muttered, as his eyes drew past the stores.  Gimli's miffed look returned.

            " You won't find out till Christmas now will you?" but he was interrupted by yet another dwarf store, into which he immediately ran. 

            " Dwarves and elves," Aragorn muttered, leaning up against the rail, " Will be the death of me!" 

--------------------------------

Merry and Pippin had wandered into Rings and things.

And the walls were COVERED with replicas of the one ring. 

            " This," Merry said, " Is a little odd." He had been fingering the " One Ring books on Care of the one ring." Written by Sauron the great. 

            " ODD?" Pippin had spilled three bottles of " The one ring hair jelly, " Its just plain freaky! The only thing worse would be if it was run by-"

_My preciousssssss…_

Merry and Pippin, after years of being terrified in the same room, have learned to " glup" at the same time, a useful talent that paid off just then. 

            " Hello, my precious!" the thing that each fan of lord of the rings despises, the creature brings no end of trouble, appeared dressed in a dapper outfit with a big smile, " What can we do for the nasty little hobbits today!" although his words were mean and spiteful, his tone was pleasant, and down right had a holiday ring to it.

            " Gollum! What are you doing here? I thought you'd still be back at home-" Merry was cut off by the creatures words

" What do you think I do that makes me so weird the other three-hundred and sixty four days of the year?" Gollum said cheerfully, " I work in retail!" 

" That explains a lot," Pippin said smirking, as he and Merry put their purchases on the counter.  They finished just as a large bunch of Lord of the rings fans walked in. 

" Goodbye my precious! Gollum must get back to work!" and with that the two hobbits went back out into the mall. 

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Arwen, Eowyn, and Radagast had finally escaped the clutches of the evil Victoria secret. 

Radagast: * reads what author has written* Aw, I wouldn't say it was necessarily _evil_ in fact, I think it was a lot of fun. 

- Radagast is royally bopped by both Arwen and Eowyn as they head up to the third floor- 

            Eowyn was getting tired just as she noticed a rather large store blaring out dark music.  Shirts with odd little sayings hung in the windows, and the store was crowded with teenagers. 

" Ooh." She said excitedly, " What's that?" 

            Arwen read the sign, " Sauron's dark gothic emporium." She shrugged.  Happy times like the holidays negated the wars between eternal good and evil, so she could have a little fun…

Radagast and Eowyn were already inside. 

            She walked in and was greeted by an orc wearing a purple wig and a tag with several pins saying things on it. 

" Welcome to store, how may Uggbak assist pretty elf?" 

Arwen blushed, and blushed even deeper when she saw the selection of people.  She was especially surprised to see Sauroman running the register. 

            " Good day Lady Evenstar." Sauroman said, he finished ringing up the customer, a black haired boy with enough piercing in his ear to be called an orc, "I'm surprised to find you here, but then again-" 

" What are you doing here Sauroman?" she asked, fingering a small pig that she had found on the register.  She let out a gasp and a sigh of disgust when she saw that it was one of those pooping pigs. 

            " The eye commanded." He removed a cloth that covered something far behind the counter, the stone of seeing (Author's note: I FORGET WHAT THEY'RE CALLED OKAY!) and saw that the eye was firmly emblazoned on it, " It said, " Open a store worthy of attracting people and making money for Mordor!" 

Arwen wanted to be petty and say, " Do you always do what the eye tells you to do?" but she decided against it in favor of purchasing the pig she had been figuring, as well as a couple of CD's. 

            They exited the store with their wallets considerably lighter and their bags and purchases slinging from their arms.  

            " Want to go get something to eat?" Arwen asked, Eowyn nodded and Radagast, who was carrying about nine percent of the company's purchases nodded as well.  Just as they were about to take the escalator up however, Sam ran up.  His pudgy face was red, and his lungs gasped for air. 

" LADY ARW…WEN…" Sam gasped, " We've got some problems." 

Here the story breaks, and continues into " The return of the sales clerk." The third and final chapter of the saga " The Lord of the rings characters go Christmas shopping." 

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Author's notes: 

Wow! * Blushes* gosh folks, thanks for the prompt response! 

            I think the biggest question that I had was how come Legolas or Aragorn wasn't taking the fellowship to the mall? And the answer was-

-Suddenly Legolas appears just as the LotR fan girls begin to drool- 

Legolas: yeah, how come I can't drive? I mean, I'm an Elf! We can do anything FAR better then mortals…

Author: * sweatdrops* uh, well…you do have your drivers license, right? 

Legolas: * blank stare* huh? 

- Author holds up copy of Aragorn's drivers license.  Aragorn walks up- 

Aragorn: * grabs license* GIMME THAT! 

-Stalks off- 

Legolas: * dawning moment* oh! * Runs off stage and returns with said drivers license. *

Author: okay, ask Frodo if you can drive on the way back then.  I figure that at least all of the super main characters in the fellowship have driver's licenses- 

( This note is not meant to offend any supreme followers of Legolas or of Aragorn.  They are in the author's opinion two of the best characters, as well as two of the cutest) 

Now, lets she how you like this chapter!             


	3. The return of the sales clerk.

Let's get part three rolling shall we? I'm glad you guys have enjoyed the fanfic all this time.  It really means a lot to me that people enjoy my particular brand of humor.  It's been great.

Lord of the Rings characters, rights, titles and privileges are copyrighted to several extremely rich people with the soul goal of bringing to life a really good book (and to make lots of cash, but I wouldn't know ^_^) YOU PEOPLE RULE!  Oh, and be warned, there is a little bit of self-insertation, but not that much.  Also, " Tickle me Fuzzy furbies" do not exist.  The furbies name is copyrighted to whoever owns furbies.  But, knowing the way our wonderful society works, there probably will soon be tickle me fuzzy furbies. 

Also, the views behind the " Mall wraiths" are not the views expressed by the author.  They are the views most likely expressed by every single person who had ever been met by one of those people who attempt to sell you a phone and won't leave you alone.  * Note to anyone who works for a cell company* its nothing against you guys, but COME ON! IT'S GETTING SO THAT YOU CAN'TKEEP EYE CONTACT TO THE CENTER OF THE MALL ANYMORE! * Its not just cell phones, they are just the most frequent* 

THE NAMES OF THE BLACK RIDERS AREN'T THEIR TRUE NAMES! THEY JUST NEEDED NAMES FOR PERSONALITY SAKE!

            All anime characters used in this story are copyrighted another bunch of people who's soul purpose is to probably make money, but they do great work too.  You people rule! 

And now, without further ado…

THE LORD OF THE MALL 

" The return of the sales clerk" 

---------------------------------

(Voiceover by a woman) 

A time of darkness has come over the land.  The people of our world, engaged in saving it have entered a savage and wild land in which many wish to hurt them.  It is a time of happiness and joy in this said land, although I find it very hard to believe that it is happy especially since they celebrate this happiness with killing each other and attempting to attain their idols.

Beings covered in Red fur that laugh and say humorous things for their children.

Minstrels in boxes that sing loud songs for their sons and daughters, long is the time of sword and loom for men and women in this time.

But now, my only wish is that those who have left escape…

            For the time is coming when the holidays draw nearer, and the bloodthirst for the minstrels and the beings covered in red fur that laugh when you tickle them grows even more…

I hope they are safe. 

* Cell phone noise* 

            " What, can't you see-" (the voice over is interrupted as there is loud music blaring through the phone) " Oh good! Aragorn, it's great to hear your voice, I mean really-" (the voice over is again interrupted while page fills with stage ninja's who are staring off at the imaginary voice. 

" WHAT? WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN THEY WERE SOLD OUT! YOU SAID THAT YOU'D-" (the yelling is drowned out as there's more music coming in through the phone. 

" Alright, BUT GET ME SOMETHING JUST AS GOOD." 

Stage ninja one: *mad* UH, ma'am? Shouldn't you maybe start the fanfic now?

Stage ninja two: * nods* yeah I mean-

- Both are interrupted by the voice- 

Voice: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THIS HAS NO POINT TO THE ACTUAL STORY? 

Stage ninja one: Fraid so, Author's killing time.  It's a good joke, gone badly. 

- There is a silence- 

Voice: All right, all right.  Where's the author? 

- There is an even greater silence as the stage ninja's tromp offstage to search for said author- 

Voice: uh, can we cut to a mall shot? I think the fans want to know what happened to all the LotR characters. 

Stage ninja one from offstage: What fans? 

- There is the sound of Crickets-

Voice: oh forget it! Lets find the author and start the fic already! 

---------------------

Aragorn hated pink.

            For some odd reason, he loathed it (even though it was one of Arwen's favorite colors) and being surrounded by pink, as well as small pink things, bothered him.

He didn't want to know why Legolas, his longtime companion in their stories, had wandered into here. 

            " Tell me again…" he said slowly, as Legolas went wading into a pile of small pink kittens, " Why are we, manly people, in a store called-" he was interrupted by the theme song of the show the store was based on, " Card Captor…Cuteness?" 

Legolas waded into a pile of stuffed blue dogs and said nothing.

            " This place stinks of Elf!" Gimli, the sour dwarf muttered," Look at these things!" he fingered a small baby that gave a sour whine when he squeezed its belly, " This is the most disgusting-" 

" Can I assist you in any way?" 

All three heads looked up.

            A tall woman with red hair wearing a strange outfit and a black cat with butterfly wings appeared at the back of the store.  Contrary to the atmosphere of pink carnations and small reproductions of fuzzy things, she was dark, gothic, and really, really sexy. 

Damn.

            _Must remember, honor of Gondor, think about Arwen, think about Arwen, and think about- _

Legolas laughed, " You look like Mr. Potato head." 

Aragorn turned, still not forgetting the earlier slight the elf had done to him, " What?" 

            Legolas laughed again, " In that stupid movie, Toy Story two? Where the potato is sitting next to Barbie and he's saying, " I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud, over and over-" Legolas began to laugh harder, as Aragorn tried very hard to control his temper. 

            " Two things Legolas, son of Thranduil." Aragorn removed Andruil and sliced through a couple of fuzzy toys, " one: It takes a very secure man to admit that he's seen that movie, and that if that situation were true, he'd be playing a pig.  Two: I AM NOT A POTATO!" Andruil, sensing its master's anger, sliced through another couple of fuzzy toys, on its own. 

            The woman behind the counter _smiled _at Legolas, " I like a secure man." She came towards him and attempted to draw him towards her.   He paused however, his Elvin face serious. 

            " Sorry, but I'd hate to disappoint my fans." Legolas grinned at the thousands of imaginary fans out there, " And I'm going to have to take a rain check since I've seen the series, and I know what _you _are Miss Ruby moon." Ruby moon looked shocked for a moment, but said nothing save for a small pout. 

The big black cat began to laugh silently just as Aragorn looked around trying to figure out what the hell was going on. 

            " It's a weird-magical-being-slash-incredible-omnipotent-people thing." Legolas said as he paid for his purchases, Gimli was rolling around on the ground outside.  Legolas smiled at the dwarf, and smirked back at the true king of Gondor. 

            "So, man to man…" Aragorn trailed off as Gimli began to walk ahead of them, " Why did you go into a store like Card captor cuteness?" 

Legolas smiled as Gimli dove into another store.

            " To shop for our friend Gimli of course. " Legolas dug into the pink bag and removed a UFO catcher doll of the creature known as " kero" on the show, " What else?" 

Aragorn grimaced and said nothing.  Andruil began to hum at his side.  

Just as they were turning the corner however they were drawn by something that none of them expected. 

" Gack!" Gimli drew his axe, Legolas drew his bow, and Aragorn thrust out Andruil. 

" That is possibly the weirdest thing I have ever seen." 

---------------------------------

" Lady Arwen! We have problems." 

            Arwen sighed; Sam Gamgee was out of breath, rolling on the floor, " Despite the fact that you're about to have a heart attack?" 

Sam Gamgee continued to wheeze. 

            " A shadow has been growing on my mind lately." Radagast said quietly, just as a passing plane flew overhead, shrouding the man in darkness, " It screams of…something is lost.  Something is lost and no one has been able to find it!"

Arwen, Eowyn, and Radagast himself pondered this for a few moments.

            " It's Merry…and…*gasp* Pippin." The bundle of clothing on the floor that was Sam Gamgee moved slightly, " Master Frodo's gone missing, but…it's a crowd, a horrible evil army…" 

No more words were needed as the three people who were standing ran off towards the direction that the bundle of clothes pointed. 

            Down the flights of stairs, past streaming mall shoppers, past Aragorn and Legolas-

" Aragorn!"

The two lovers caught each other.  

            Rose petals scattered in the background as they were held in an eternal embrace of joy and ecstasy, music that rang of forests and foretold promises echoed in their ears- 

There was a crash and a scream as Aragorn and Arwen looked up. 

            " We got rid of the nuts that were throwing flower petals." Eowyn pointed to Radagast who had two girls, one with blue hair and red eyes, and the other with red hair and blue eyes, in his grasp.  He was chanting over them while the red head looked scared.

The blue haired one looked bored.

            " And I got the nut who was playing music." There was a boy who had a cello clutched in his hands weeping because of the five-foot sword stuck in it.  His black hair hung over his blue eyes and his white shirt was stained with tears. 

Aragorn and Arwen lost the moment. 

            " Quickly!" Legolas had gone to scout ahead; a long line of bags littered the floor in front of them.   Loud screams echoed in front of them as a sudden figure appeared in their vision. 

" Gandalf!" 

            " Ouch! No more all together responses!" Gandalf winced and covered his ears.  The company looked at him and realized that for the first time he actually looked old.  His eyes that should have been like flaming coals were now burned out.  For the first time since Sam Gamgee had seen Gandalf the Gray, he realized that the great wizard was afraid.

            " Gandalf!" Aragorn was at a loss; he left Arwen's side, " What has happened my old friend? Why do you look so odd?" 

            " Alas!" Gandalf turned away and motioned for all of them to gather around him as a park bench materialized in front of him.  He sat down heavily as a crowd of people passed them; poor Sam was nearly trampled as all of the full-grown humans and full-grown elves and hobbits jumped onto said bench. 

            " To understand this evil more fully," Gandalf began, twice the wizard that he was guy-who-would-assist-anyone-in-any-jam-even-a-rampaging-mall-crowd, " I must go into a little background…prepare for a very long flashback in script form…

Aragorn: Is this going to take long? Is there a certain limit to the amount of space on the Fanfic page this author is posting on? 

- Stunned silence when they realize that they've turned to script format- 

Sam: Wow! Finally I won't have to have long descriptive paragraphs describing what I want to say with lots of " Said's" in between actual action! 

Arwen: We'll be going back to normal writing in a minute, its funnier.

Gandalf: That's right, the author just did this to save time. 

Sam: * sad* oh, I see…of course. 

Gandalf: * coughs* okay! This world is not without evil in itself.  For at this joyous time in the holidays there is still one great danger.  A danger that the marketing people could not have foreseen when they were doing their job…

Aragorn: Sort of like the Elvin Ring smiths who made the rings of power? 

-Stunned silence- 

Gandalf: Sure! That works, but yes! A great and grave danger, that was sort of vaguely aware of because they were out to make lots and lots of money!  The evil and terrible _true_ Lord of the Mall…PUBLIC OPINION AND SUPPY AND DEMAND!

-Yet another stunned silence, in which Arwen pulls out a watch and begins to time it- 

Arwen: But…that's what the basic principles of economic gain and loss are! Supply the people with demand, or promise demand for a certain product.  It's like using illusion and slight of hand to make people believe in magic- 

* Arwen rattles on for some time* 

Aragorn: (after she's done) are elves just good at EVERYTHING! 

Arwen: Why do you think we're so snotty at times? 

- Yet another stunned and pregnant silence. - 

Gandalf: *coughs* Yes! Well moving on.  The retailers created a small idol that people have come to worship.  It is sort of like the orcs, and their worship of small poisonous tree monkeys. 

Arwen: Where did that come from?

Sam: Orcs don't worship small poisonous tree monkeys? Are there such things as small poisonous tree monkeys? *Turns to Aragorn, resident mortal wood expert* 

Aragorn: How the heck should I know? For some worlds, there might be small poisonous tree monkeys.  However, its in doubt that orcs worship them.  *Talking to both Arwen and Sam* its just an example though to prove the author's point through Gandalf in a humorous way. 

-For all you Legolas fans, he's keeping a lookout ^_^- 

Gandalf: And so these retailers, in their shortsighted desire for monetary compensation brought to the market the idols known as…" TICKLE ME FUZZY FURBIES!" 

* A scream is heard* 

- Several shots of things in this order-

* A bottle of milk being spilled

* A fishbowl

* A really fat guy reading the newspaper

* A dog sniffing a tree.

Arwen: What the F**** was that about? 

Aragorn: It's just some Misc. things that the author brought in to attempt to surprise the reader.  *Realizes what he just said* hang on an f***** second…why am I suddenly talking in abbreviations? 

Gandalf: Oh forget it! We're going back to normal style!

- The mall scene is suddenly swept back into place. -

            Gandalf's weary look faded, " These tickle me fuzzy furbies are dangerous.  Apparently there is a large crowd of people trying to get them at the center of the mall! We have to help Merry and Pippin who are as of this moment caught up in this horrible wave!" 

No more was needed as Legolas gave a shout.  Each character was up and running. 

-------------------------

At the center of the mall where the characters first entered, there was a kiosk.

            And behind that kiosk lay the evil " Mall wraiths" the horrifying people who infest malls and bother everybody to buy cell phones.  At this moment, several of the mall wraiths noticed a large group of people, the people from Middle earth, running towards them. 

Wraith one: Excellent.  Now we can sell them our " middle earth direct plan!" 

Wraith two: Yes, they shall regret defying our master, PUBLIC DEMAND! 

Wraith one: quickly! Here they come!

            Aragorn spotted the danger before the rest of the crowd.  He yelled something to Legolas, but it was drowned out by the roar of the sight that came after the wraiths of the mall.  Legolas nodded, drew his bow, and stuck an arrow in the sign.

            " It appears the ford is held against us!" He cried as his arrow hit the sign, " And by a far greater enemy then the black riders!" 

-----------------------

The black riders

            The scourge of the free people, the nine kings of old who fell under the sway of greed and the lure of Sauron and the rings of power.

Also known as: Bob, Mike, Willy, Johnny B, Gerald, Ray, Harm, Jim, and Haramir. 

Bob was hungry, the leader, and very angry.

His cell phone wasn't working.

            " This is the second time this stupid piece of shit has crapped out on me!" he slammed the phone into a wall, watching as it cracked into pieces. 

            " Dude." Johnny B was the pimp who always had women hanging off of him.  He was also on weed and various other drugs, " Like, lighten up man.  You're a black rider of Mordor! You can kill whoever gets in your way…" 

            " Yeah man!" Ray was the Mexican style one, he was chowing down on a taco purchased from the food court, and "any one who fucks with you is like, Mui loco man." 

            Mike, Gerald, Harm, Jim, and Willy were engaged in a game of poker, so they had nothing to say on Bob's crappy cell phone service. 

            " THE ONE WHO SOLD YOU THE CHEAP PHONE SERVICE SHOULD SUFFER THE WRATH OF MORDOR AND THE MINIONS OF SAURON!" 

Bob and the other seven wraiths looked up.

            " For the first time." Bob said quietly, staring down at the pieces of the cell phone, " I think Haramir has the right idea." 

A collective silence collected the group.

            " Lets GO AND SHOW THOSE BASTARDS THE TRUE WRATH OF MORDOR!" 

And they were off.

-----------------------------

            " AREYOUSUREICAN'TINTERESTYOUINTHE"ELFTOELF"CALLINGPLAN?"

Legolas began to scream.

            " Leave us alone!" Aragorn was mad, really mad, " LEAVE US THE FUCKALONE-" 

Aragorn was interrupted by a crash.

            From somewhere in a mall speaker the entrance music for the movie Armageddon began to play.  For the company before the wraiths of the mall time seemed to slow as the nine wraiths of Mordor appeared over the horizon.  Their black robes were silhouetted against a fountain, and a background of screams from the front of the mall. 

Mall Wraith one: oh shit.

Wraith two: I agree wholeheartedly with that.

            Bob grinned, even though no one could see his face.  He imagined this was what his buddy Darth Vader felt like, smiling under his mask. 

            " LISTEN UP!" Bob raised his sword.  Ray was swearing at them in Spanish (which would be a really crazy thing for a black rider if you think about it) and Johnny B was packing a six-shooter (yet another odd sight for a black rider) 

            " SIR, AREYOUNOTSATISFIEDWITHOURSERVICE?" 

" You're darn tooting I'm not satisfied! This thing keeps crapping out on me!" Bob held up the remains of his cell phone.

            " It's not suppose to work if it's broken sir-"

" I broke it Dammit! But it crapped out on me before! And now we're going to take our revenge!" Bob raised his sword threateningly. 

The mall wraiths prepared to fight.

The ring wraiths prepared to fight back.

And the company of the Ring was confused. 

            " Quickly!" Radagast appeared behind them, looking disheveled, " This way! The sins and doom of man are prevalent!" 

They followed the wizard.

            The very center of the mall had an extremely ornate fountain.  A woman, dancing in a flock of birds, leapt into the skylight above.  There were the sounds of a scuffle behind them where they had met the mall wraiths, but for the moment, their attention was captured. 

            A blur, quite similar to that of the armies of Mordor, lay in front of them.  Bags and heaps of things lay strewn about or clutched in hands.  Hundreds and hundreds of people, all races, colors, and religious backgrounds were screaming bloody murder at three sales clerks in front of them. 

            " TICKLE ME FUZZY, TICKLE ME FUZZY, TICKLE ME FUZZY-" the chant grew stronger as more people joined the crowd.  One female clerk gave a gasp as a man stepped forth from the crowd.

" We want our merchandise, and we want it now! We who were promised something by the retailers of this country DESIRE OUR FUZZY TOYS FOR OUR CHILDREN!"  Aragorn and Arwen were terrified to find that…Frodo was caught up in the midst, yelling like all the rest.

            " Arnold…he went to…factory to get…more-" 

" I don't care!" this time it was Frodo's voice that greeted the startled companies ears, " WE WANT OUR MERCHANDISE, AND WE WANT IT NOW!" 

            " Frodo's gone mad hasn't he?" This time it was Merry's voice, coming from behind them.  All of the previous fellowship of the parking lot was gathered to witness this…monstrosity.

            " WAIT!"

A silence filled the shoppers.  The voice had been so commanding, so absolute, that they were hushed.

            Light from the skylight poured down onto a being standing silhouetted against the doors to the mall.  The fountain in front of him, he looked like an ancient king of old.  His red vest was bright and shining, and his spiked hair was crisp and clean. 

            " I have returned." 

There was yet another silence, and the depth of the statement sank in.

            " Rejoice!"

            " Huzzah!" 

            " Hallelujah!

" Thank you!"

            The cry went up from the company of the ring, as well as the patrons of the mall.  Joyous cheers echoed back and forth on the neon signs, and the plaster and linoleum ceiling.  For two hours, the people of the mall rejoiced in celebration.  The sales clerks (grateful for the help from Arnold) handed out free coupons to all present.  All were pleased, and perhaps for a moment, there was true peace on earth, true goodwill toward men…

For the sales clerk had returned.

--------------------------------

" Well." 

" Well what?" 

            Frodo turned to look at Sam, " It got pretty crazy there for a minute."  Aragorn was driving up front, and Legolas was giving him directions.  The mall parking lot was filled with drivers, all orderly for the first time in ages. 

            " I know-" But Sam's comment was interrupted by a honking noise.  A black van with the license plate, " Naz-gul" drove past.  The driver yelled out something that sounded close to, " Merry Christmas!" before heading out into the night.  A white car followed the fan, the bumper sticker, " My other car is a horse." Plastered on its fender. 

            " Did you ever figure that Lady Arwen would drive a car?" Legolas said to Aragorn, Aragorn said nothing, save for a swear as the said white car cut him off, " I guess not." Legolas finished as Aragorn began to swear more colorfully as two other cars cut them off.

            " Wait a tick!" Frodo felt in his pockets hurriedly.  Merry and Pippin were fighting over Frodo's " tickle me Fuzzy Furbie" in the backseat.  Sam looked up at Frodo wary, and Gimli leaned over.

            " What's the matter?" Sam asked anxiously, " Lost something?" 

Yet another numerous silences filled the car.

            " MY WALLET! IT'S GONE!" 

Aragorn laughed.

            Legolas turned to him in the passenger seat, " What's so funny?" he said.  For Aragorn, true King of Gondor and Heir to the throne of Middle earth was laughing uproariously. 

            " It just occurred to me, let me sing the song of lost wallet Frodo and the evil fuzzy toy!" Aragorn continued to laugh as a space finally opened. And the green van finally drove off into the night.  

            Gandalf however did not fair as well.  He traded insurance information with the man at the parkinglot exit, and apologized for the fact that the Rider of Rohan did not have a driver's license to drive a car. 

            " He just needs to stick to Horses." Gandalf said, with a weary look back at Eomer.  He pulled into the car, and they drove off.  Following the Fellowship's van. 

And peace came at last to the land of the mall. 

Here ends the Saga of " The lord of the mall." Begun in Book one, the fellowship of the parkinglot, and finished in, " The return of the sales clerk." 

-------------------------

- The scene is the author, blissfully typing away at the computer.  The three stage ninja's from the first page creep up behind her- 

Author: * surprised* GAH! * She jumps up and spills her Pepsi* 

Stage ninja one: WE caught her! Hooray! 

All: Hooray for the Stage ninjas!

 - The author jumps up on her Desk-

Author: * screaming* Go away or I'll sick my poisonous tree monkeys on you!

- Thousands of small purple creatures reign down on the defenseless stage ninja's.  The air for a moment is filled with screeching, and loud monkey noises. - 

Voice: * returns with an air of Trumpets* AHA! NOW I HAVE YOU! And I can pay you back for the really lame joke in the beginning! 

Author: Oh yeah…* looks around but cannot find something to throw at the big disembodied voice. * Damn. 

Voice: That's right, I'm a big disembodied voice, and you can't do anything to stop me can you? 

Author: But you can't hurt me.

Voice: The hell I can't! * Pauses* Let's begin with a discussion on Mathematics, and the principles of math applied to economic and welfare gain in relation to the United States! Then we can sing some barney songs-

Author: * screaming because she knows the voice cannot be shut up* NOOOOOOOOO!

And that's the story of how poisonous tree monkeys came to be.

And the stage ninja's got revenge.

The end.

****

Real Author notes:

Did you enjoy that?

Hope so!

R&R and I'd LOOOVE some suggestions for another fanfic! *I'm fresh out of ideas! ^_^*

Happy Belated New year and X-mas

Ramenkitty. 


End file.
